Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Being Aware - Being Present

It is hard, but important for me to be aware and be present - in the moment. When I'm aware and present in the moment I can feel my hurts and not take them and push them onto others - often my loving partner.

Last evening we were talking on the phone - I'm away - she's not. I asked her where she was and she told me. She was driving to meet up with her cousin who was in town briefly. I misread what she said as to where she was. I felt "stupid" in part in not realizing where she was driving. Usually I'm the one totally on top of where one is and is driving to (and sometimes she's lost without her gps or similar).

I "heard" her ridiculing me - when she responded to my follow-up question related to where she was going. It wasn't her words - but her tone.

It really is irrelevant whether B's tone was condescending or "normal". I was obviously hurting in that moment else it wouldn't have mattered. I snapped at her. She was hurt by both my words and my tone. How I reacted related to me and my space in that moment. Being aware after such moments is of course better than missing what I've done to myself and others I care about, but it isn't enough.

I do try to be in the present and to be aware. I do try to communicate well, to listen and to be aware of my hurts as well as the hurts of B and others I care about. Though I believe that I'm "much better" now than I was a year ago and was better then than a year before that, living and loving and being is a process -that doesn't end and doesn't "arrive" for me in many ways.

Life is challenging! It's beauty is often enhanced by being open to so much that I didn't used to see and appreciate. While I may not find meaning in many things (such as the names of plants and birds - which mean a lot to my mother whose house I'm now in), I can appreciate the feelings and thoughts of others around me.

Learning to focus upon my own issues is hard, but important. It doesn't negate what difficult and tough things I may take in from others - but rather lets me go where I can do better and be better and be happier.


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