Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Being Aware - Being Present

It is hard, but important for me to be aware and be present - in the moment. When I'm aware and present in the moment I can feel my hurts and not take them and push them onto others - often my loving partner.

Last evening we were talking on the phone - I'm away - she's not. I asked her where she was and she told me. She was driving to meet up with her cousin who was in town briefly. I misread what she said as to where she was. I felt "stupid" in part in not realizing where she was driving. Usually I'm the one totally on top of where one is and is driving to (and sometimes she's lost without her gps or similar).

I "heard" her ridiculing me - when she responded to my follow-up question related to where she was going. It wasn't her words - but her tone.

It really is irrelevant whether B's tone was condescending or "normal". I was obviously hurting in that moment else it wouldn't have mattered. I snapped at her. She was hurt by both my words and my tone. How I reacted related to me and my space in that moment. Being aware after such moments is of course better than missing what I've done to myself and others I care about, but it isn't enough.

I do try to be in the present and to be aware. I do try to communicate well, to listen and to be aware of my hurts as well as the hurts of B and others I care about. Though I believe that I'm "much better" now than I was a year ago and was better then than a year before that, living and loving and being is a process -that doesn't end and doesn't "arrive" for me in many ways.

Life is challenging! It's beauty is often enhanced by being open to so much that I didn't used to see and appreciate. While I may not find meaning in many things (such as the names of plants and birds - which mean a lot to my mother whose house I'm now in), I can appreciate the feelings and thoughts of others around me.

Learning to focus upon my own issues is hard, but important. It doesn't negate what difficult and tough things I may take in from others - but rather lets me go where I can do better and be better and be happier.


Friday, July 25, 2008

"Memorable" Moments of our Recent Trip

Recently we were in Chicago for five nights.

Our cabdriver clearly was in the wrong lane for getting on the Freeway to the Airport. He did what he then "had to do" and got on the Freeway heading the opposite direction from the Airport. I told him that he was heading the wrong direction which initially he didn't seem to realize. He then stopped at the end of the entrance ramp (left side of road) and clearly was intending to try to cross 4 lanes of traffic to exit about 20-30 yards down the road. It was 4:45 p.m. - rush hour and traffic was whizzing by at 50+ mph.

After several blaring horns and my pleading, he went straight ahead and didn't get us all seriously injured and his cab destroyed.

In Chicago I got a telephone call first from the mortgage lending company (Atlanta) asking me if I'd mailed the certified check to them for our refinancing. I told "I" - that I'd given the check to the traveling notary when we signed the papers. Then I was called by the Title Company (Dallas) and told that they'd lost the check. Then I was called by our bank in the northwest. After Many apologies - and Great Assistance from the bank branch manager - I got paperwork faxed to me at a Chicago Fed-Ex - and Fed-Ex'd it back to the bank so they could re-issue the check to the Title Company and expedite it to them. Mission accomplished - with apology gifts to us from the mortgage lender and the title company.

Chicago was muggy -but I enjoyed the trip - seeing a relative and some old friends. I made it once to Mario's Italian Lemonade Stand (Taylor Street) and Manny's Cafeteria/Deli - (Jefferson Street by Roosevelt Road) and we had a nice evening hearing Billy Branch play some wonderful blues music.